• Quick! Get that Chicken Kiev off the menu!!

  • The old Exploding Snail trick, and I fell for it! {Faking Maxwell Smart accent}

  • One of the worst pains I ever felt was sitting at a hotel in Bury, England, tucking in to some fried (not sauteed – whole and really fried) mushrooms. Speared one, bit off a chunk, and my bite sprayed blazing hot oil and mushroom juice (?) straight up my nose. Scalded the lower surface of my brain.

    And once it’s up in there, you can’t wipe it off or wash it down, either. Just gotta let the heat transfer happen. Tears, etc.

  • I never realized the lower surface of the brain was accessible through the nasal cavity.
    Does that mean if I sneeze I can blow my brains out?

  • Oh, what a bunch of idiots. Clearly ANYONE should OBVIOUSLY know that snails might squirt burning-hot butter at them. I mean, who are these lower-class poor idiots? This is just like that artichoke thing, right?

  • Coming next: warning embossed grapefruits saying, “Application of utensil to fruit may spray citric acid. Eye protection recommended.”